slightly used lovers bazaar

slightly used?

ok, a little more than slightly.

but not abused?

use/abuse, can't tell the difference anymore. are you buying or not?

can i have a newer model?

they break easily and are unnecessarily complex. and looking at you you'd be better of with an older model.

what's that supposed to mean?

It means perhaps your on the wrong side of the counter...

Hahahahahaha.. ;- (cough cough) ahahaahhaha

I had a soft eureka moment recently: I have been going over a strange moment in the past where a beautiful lady I had been at university with asked me a strange question.

We were all sorts of inebriated at the time. She and several other friends had come to visit me for a reunion of sorts. The decibel levels were high as multiple conversations and paralysing laughter filled the air. I was seated, she was standing across from me in the roughly circular formation we were in (about 10 of us), we made what seemed to me to be random eye contact, but was obviously not. She looked directly at me and said to me "So Sizwe, what're you really about? What's your story?"

My mind reeled at such a serious question in the midst of all this chaos. Even as I began to formulate an answer she looked away as if nothing had happened. No one else seemed to be aware of what had just transpired between she and I, thus I was left hanging...

Thereafter she began acting strangely and finally insisted that she must go. I gave it little thought until the next day and on several occasions afterwards. I have never approached her about it in case it truly was a figment of my drunken imagination.

My recent "EUREKA!!!" moment after months of pondering the nature and motives of the interaction was thus: she was flirting with me! She was expressing sexual interest! She was basically saying "Yo, where yo game @!" or something to that effect, and I missed it entirely! I missed it entirely!

Hahahahahaha.. ;- (cough cough) ahahaahhaha!

I then wondered how many other such overtures I had missed as a result of my social ineptitude? Am i walking around with blinkers on? With radars offline?

Hahahahahaha..

My memory is an interesting place to be right now. Its like that show, Cold Case, where they re-open investigations that failed back in the day and apply new forensic techniques...

love indeed!

Lesser magicians

I once read a book about an ordinary boy who quickly becomes apparent to his community as a magician. They apprentice him to the village magician, who is ultimately confounded by the young man's inability to perform even the simplest feat of magic he is taught.
As it turns out, by an extraordinary set of events involving invaders from a distant world, the young man learns that he is of a class of magician called greater magicians. Greater magicians perform herculian feats of magic without so much as breaking a sweat. Yet they are as incapable of the lesser type of magic as are the lesser magicians of greater magic.
What's irritating is that he accepts this explanation without questioning it....
But what's even more irritating is that I feel like that sometimes. I feel like i'm waiting for an extraordinary set of events that will show the world my true power. But I am beset with a myriad of lesser issues, and no one can see that I am a greater magician.
Imagine living your whole life like that...

like a tiger in the sky

Dont doubt it. Tigers rule. They play the game magnificantly.

And im but a tiger born too soon, in a mans body. And i play the game magnificently. Watch me devour those who seek power at the expense of those around them. Watch me stare down a mindless army and calmly reveal everything cosmic. Watch me redefine prayer. Watch me steal your heart.

the day i realised that i am the antichrist

they say that the masai can feel the wind of the arrow. i dont know what that means, but i imagine it refers to courage.

perhaps the greatest sacrifice is to play the enemy.

we all wanted to be the good guy who gets the girl. but maybe for some of us, it becomes blatantly obvious that to get the most good in the shortest time, someone must facilitate the process.

that "someone" needs to understand the meaning of various things such as the dynamics of social cohesion so that he could manipulate social cohesion to his own ends.

he would have to eschew all the pretty beliefs about the divine nature of man and get on with the gritty work of advancing speceal survival of the human race.

that man would be a much better man than i currently am. :-). but i'm working on it. for it is my destiny to destroy what christ built, even as christ would have it.

that man would plunder the vain grown fat off christ's blood, and clear the way for a world that needs no christ, precisely as christ intended it.

...fuck all of you. that man will be me.

the fullest moon

i once had a girlfriend whose menstrual cycle was always aligned with the full moon. She had an exotic, strong countenance and an intelligent opinion about everything. And she was an alcoholic.
I suspect she suffered from that disease called life. It was like she was always overexposed, and her edges were burnt. She loved and loved and loved until it drove her crazy. I doubt that she had any conception of tomorrow. She just wanted to drink us all under the table, and fall asleep in caring arms. I managed to oblige her (I loved her too) for a full 1 and a half years before i felt too spent to hold her at nights, and rolled over and slept facing the wall.
Last time i saw her she had some dramatic story to tell me that reminded me of all the drama she brought into my life: the fighting, the jealousy, the fucking and the naked hate. I was utterly repulsed and actually left a good party. Damnit.
But I wonder about her, about souls that burn too bright. Minds that fly too high.

You Can't Run From Lesilo

you can't. many tried. they died.

my lustful heart

I keep falling in love.

My eyes bathe themselves in her shine and i fall in love again.

They go up then down then up again and drink it all up.

I love the awkward little walk.

I love the mocking smiles and those "she sees right through me" eyes.

I love it all.

And now that i am free to take her offer,

(I was a fool then,

And I'm much more worthy of her attentions now)

I wonder if she will take mine...

We were both just scared

From the day we are born, the world teaches us, shapes us, by betraying us. No amount of growing up can help you with this. Fear of the people we love most is inevitable...

You see, expectations and the consequent betrayals are how we learn. Each betrayal is recorded as something we cannot depend on. It is normal and is part of the function of rationality. It is also normal to fear what we cannot depend on.

And people? You definitely cannot depend on people. No matter how much they love you and you love them back, people will betray you.

This is because people are all impermanent creatures, themselves victims of innumerable betrayals. Looking at the world and its complexities, you realise that anybody who is dependable is such through death. You can depend on dead people to stay dead. (so far, anyway.)

The idea, I suspect, is to decrease one's expectations of people to the point of approaching non-existence. We cannot really erase these expectations to zero without living painfully lonely lives. But we can find a balance on the low end that is more representative of how much we really can depend on people. (very little.)

And yet shall you be betrayed by us. But with the above understanding, you might fret less and free up more time to deal with the infinite betrayal of an infinite universe...